FEEN ON THE SCENE
The duck is getting a bad rap these days. Congress is in a lame duck session, the president is a lame duck leader and the government is just one quack away from being in a foul mood itself.
So how did the duck become part of our political landscape? And what’s so lame about ducks anyhow?
If you ask me ducks are pretty cool cats (oops). They travel in pairs (hence the reason they don’t need therapy), they mate for life (no divorce court either) and are clean and quite pleasant. And have you seen how their hair stands up straight without hair gel? I’ll bet your average teenager couldn’t get a Mohawk this symmetrical without a Hollywood barber.
And the colors – have you seen how lovely their hair color is without a hint of gray. No Clairol needed here. You know why? Ducks don’t fight with their spouses or relatives and are always taking vacations together. As a matter of fact, when they fly together they travel in formation to cut down on the wind pressure coming from the front. They even take turns traveling in first class (where it is the windiest).
There’s also no such thing as boys nights out (no strip clubs for sure), they stick together like a family should. And if a duck loses a spouse it continues to mourn throughout its lifetime. Not like the human male who can be seen out with a blonde bimbo just as the last rugalah is finished off the Shiva platter.
Ducks, despite their bad reputation, have emotions just like we do. They also have proper upbringings (two parent families) and don’t need anger management classes or twelve-step programs. You know why? They don’t get divorced and don’t stay at work all hours of the day and night.
And the best part is that ducks are as versatile as futons. When tired or sleepy they just fold down their necks and become a fluffy pillow (Bed Bath and Beyond eat your heart out). Hence the reason they don’t need large condos or split level homes. And you don’t see them complaining about it either. To a duck the perfect day is spent lounging around the lake with friends and family (of course they winter in Florida).
As far as parenting skills, ducks are pretty advanced (Dr. Joyce Brothers would approve for sure). They don’t run to the mall and leave the kids with a sitter. That could be one reason that baby ducklings rarely have ADD or other emotional problems. Mother ducks also don’t run (or fly off) to Saks or Bergdorf Goodman for a day of shopping and leave the ducklings to watch mindless video games.
That’s what’s so great about ducks. They are far from being lame and are so self-sufficient you rarely see them lined up at soup kitchens or waiting for government assistance. And you never hear them complaining about the negative connotation of their namesake (hmm…the ugly duckling).
And you know what else – ducks are pretty good sports. After all, their reputation has been squandered by lame presidents and congressional leaders and you don’t hear a peep from them. You also don’t see them filing any class action lawsuits for defamation of character (like a lot of quacks do these days).
And if you ask me, that’s just ducky.